How used cars are marketed shouldn’t matter to my ancient Uncle Mort. After all, he swore off use of traditional transportation in the late 1900s when they started pricing gasoline in dollars instead of cents. Now, he motors around the thicket in a golf cart. 

Much matters to Mort, though, period. 

So the announcement that Ford Motor Company is going to start selling used cars on Amazon hit a nerve, resulting in a protracted telephone visit. Until then, I’d barely noticed Amazon’s decision to further rip the fabric of Americana…. 

*****

“I’d sooner  buy a pig in a poke than purchase a used vehicle on Amazon,” Mort fumed. 

 “The process is as sideways as buying a brisket from a Sears-Roebuck catalog–if we still had Sears-Roebuck catalogs.” 

Mort claims that if this sales technique catches on, it will affect more than the “middle man.”… 

*****

Studying at “the university of hard knocks,” he is saddened about experiences future car buyers may be denied. 

 “Bargaining for a car is an art form that requires tire-kicking, patience and rock-hard negotiating,” he says. Sometimes, he’s walked away–returning later for final negotiations–usually including the “splitting of differences” between the figure offered and the initial selling price. 

In such instances, both buyers and sellers generally feel they’ve gotten good deals…. 

*****

 “Amazoning” America exacts a great price, often eliminating small businesses that have long been leaders in community support. 

 “Change for the sake of change” is frightening. 

Often, it’s laughable. Maxwell House coffee’s name change to “Maxwell Apartment” coffee–even if temporary–won’t cut it, even if most Americans now live in apartments…. 

*****

Digression ended , let’s get back to used cars. 

Mort hearkened back to days when car dealers–fiercely competitive in business–remained close friends after store-closing time. He cited the late Jack Williams and Charlie Hillard, two Fort Worth friends who joshed each other regularly at the Rotary Club, both employing what might now be considered, uh, unorthodox advertising techniques. 

Fort Worth leaders in Chevrolet and Ford sales, respectively, Williams favored a “jackalope” logo figure, and Hillard claimed to sell “new Fords and used Chevrolets.” The late Dwain Bruner, with dealerships in Stephenville and Brownwood, spent more time in community and church initiatives than selling cars. His son, Greg, is now in the fourth generation of similar leadership. He may be responsible for the long-ago tongue-in-check billboard on Highway 377. It read something like, “We sell our good trade-ins and send the dogs to Fort Worth.”…. 

*****

Me? I’ve  made many questionable purchases, three of them during college, for goodness sake. Perhaps I felt too cocky for putting aside $375 for my first car–a 1947 Nash Ambassador–in 1957. It looked like a bloated coffin, and with front seat backs lowered, made a bed (a feature I never used). It was quite an upgrade over the Cushman motor scooter I’d ridden from age 14-20, including my freshman year of college. 

Then came a 1953 Oldsmobile a year later that ran on butane–when it ran. 

Purchases of new cars in successive years were made during my last two years of college. The 1960 Plymouth Valiant still had its new car smell when I traded it in a year later for a Mercury which featured a back window that moved up and down at the press of a button… 

*****

Out in  the real world, I felt sickly making monthly payments that ate up most of my salary. 

I was hooked. The 1963 Buick Electra was irresistible, and neither could I resist buying the first IBM Selectric typewriter sold in Brown County. 

My lesson was learned, though. I’ve driven used cars ever since, and purchased no typewriters…. 

*****.

Okay, there  has been one exception. I bought a “new” 2017 Buick in 2019. It had zero miles and carried a full, new-car warranty. 

This was probably the year General Motors manufactured too many white Buicks. 

Even then, I kicked the tires. Any thoughts of Amazon would have been on a river, far, far away…. 

*****

Dr. Newbury, a speaker in the Metroplex, may be reached at 817-447-3872; email: [email protected]. Column audio version at www.speakerdoc.com.