Gentle friends, if any such folks are reading, I wish to make it clear that during my 22+ years of writing this piece, I have avoided ever using “bad” words. If any sneaked in, they were mild, never thrown carelessly around like many words crossing the lips of broadcasters, particularly in the sports world. 

Admitting digression here on the sunrise of my latest column, I’ll leave today’s topic briefly, taking a side road to congratulate two well-known “goldy-throats” whom I’ve never heard resort to even mild profanity. They are Jim Nantz, longtime network sports icon, and Dave Raymond, play-by-play guy for the Texas Rangers. There are a few others, I’m sure, but the list is short. 

Now, with such attention paid to my “keeping-it-clean” allegiance, I admit–up front–that within a few paragraphs, I will include a word never used in a previous column. I recently was reminded of an old joke that would have gone flat without the word “droppings” in it. (Horrors! During my youth, my parents would have threatened a good mouth “soap-washing” had I told such a joke.)…. 

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I have  a reader to thank (blame?) for this awakening. Let’s call him “Jerry,” and admit to him–and others–that from time to time, I have uttered questionable verbiage. Who hasn’t made the air blue upon hammering fingers instead of nails, even worse if in a foul mood before letting the hammer down? 

There is a danger in dealing with what may be viewed as a personal “holier than thou” assessment, but, here goes. 

If this word “droppings” is offensive, you are excused from further reading…. 

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In last  week’s epistle, I wrote of a friend’s experience hiking with buddies in Glacier National Park environs, and their wearing small bells to keep bears at bay. I don’t know whether their concern was encountering black or grizzlies–or maybe both–but in the upcoming joke, both breeds are included. 

Jerry emphasized that of the two breeds, grizzlies are to be most feared. I don’t know which bear breed “Barney” (he didn’t want his real name listed, either) and his bunch were trying to ward off. 

The old yarn claims that long ago hikers not only wore bells, but also carried miniature air horns in case they came across grizzlies bristling with unusually foul temperaments…. 

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It was claimed that black bears chow down largely on berries, while grizzlies are resolute carnivores. 

Therefore, researchers scouring bear habitats doggedly examined “droppings” to determine which breed dominated their studied regions. 

If such residue included berries, they figured that blacks ruled. However, if it included little bells and air horn fragments, they assumed that grizzlies were in charge…. 

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While dealing  with attention to detail, my Uncle Mort told me of his carelessness recently while scouring his attic, where hundreds of cigar boxes clutter. One was labeled “Grandmother’s Things,” followed by a name he didn’t recognize. “I can’t imagine how many ‘grandmothers ago’ it was,” he related. 

He pulled out a bracelet, eager to slip it on Maude’s wrist. 

His wife, initially pleased, examined it closely, asking, “Why is it inscribed “Do Not Resuscitate?” He had no words, and her “cold-shouldering” continued…. 

*****

Ok. Ok.  Let’s return to the real world, where truth is unvarnished and the government is here to help us. 

Dr. Larry McGraw, beloved Hardin-Simmons religion professor for 44 years, is both deeply committed and clever. He’s everywhere, including decades of service at public address microphones for H-SU sporting events. Additionally, he’s taught First Baptist Church’s Primetime Sunday School class for some 35 years. He’s always coming up with jokes, stories and assorted observations that usually elicit grins, but sometimes groans. 

Recently, he provided a “groan moment” upon proposing a new class motto: “We don’t care.” It didn’t gain traction. Of course they care, and are immensely revered for their prayerful lives of unselfish service–even during the week! They’d never agree to such a motto…. 

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Dr. Newbury, a speaker in the Metroplex, may be reached at 817-447-3872; email: [email protected]. Audio version at www.speakerdoc.com.